What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
"You can't sip with us."
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Go to BabaMail
