At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
I like you, you croc my world.
"I need to re-wine my life."
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
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