What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
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