Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
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