We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.

“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

Knock, knock

Who’s There?

Annie

Annie Who?

Annie thing you can do, I can do better.

Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!

“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William

What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.

What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."

I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?

What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.

I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.

I wood never leaf you.

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.

What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.

Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.

Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.

What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.

What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.

My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.

Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.

How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"

How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.

What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.

What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”

2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".

You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!

What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!

“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon

Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!

Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.

Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.

What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.

I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?

Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.

These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!

What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley

What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”

"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz

What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.