A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
Let’s take an elfie.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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