The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
Can I hold your hand?
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
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