Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
You're a good egg.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
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