“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
You are my raisin to smile.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Leave poetry to the prose.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
"Sip, sip hooray."
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Go to BabaMail
