Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
"Time wounds all heels."
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