Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
I want to read you from cover to cover.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
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