I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
Octopus ocular optics.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
You are so right. And I am so left.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
I'm snow bored.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
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