Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
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