I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
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