What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
I followed my heart to you.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
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