Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Water you doing, my friend?
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
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