“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
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