“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
Snow on and snow forth.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
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