What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
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