Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
"That's all, yolks."
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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