"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
"I lava you."
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
"Say you'll be wine."
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
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