“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown

What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.

What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!

Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.

You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.

What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.

Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess

"Snowball"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.

– Shel Silverstein

Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

Dust is a disk's worst enemy.

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.

What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.

On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.

What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.

Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.

“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”

- Emo Phillips.

What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks

The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.

My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!

What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.

What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.

I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it

What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"

What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.

“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.

How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!

"Some bunny loves you."

What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!

Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!

Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!

The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.

What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).

What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller

A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.

Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.

What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.

My feelings for you have grown exponentially.

"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."

What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.

What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!