What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Tis the sea-sun.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
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