What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
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