Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
I didn't know angels flew this low.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
You are sweeter than 3.14.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
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