Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
Salty but sweet.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
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