You make my heart skip a beet.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
Fishing you a happy day.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
"I wood never leaf you."
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
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