You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
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