"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
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