What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
You’re my #1 pick.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
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