When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
As it snow happens.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
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