My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Snow on and snow forth.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Up to snow good.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
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