What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
I’m browsing the winter-net.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
The snuggle is real.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Thank brew very much.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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