What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
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