I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
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