“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
I have the final sleigh.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
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