I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
All you need is MY love
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
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