My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
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