You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
This vacation has been sand-sational!
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
I’ll never fir-get.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
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