"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
The goal nine yards
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Go to BabaMail
