It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
We are mint to be.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
I Got to Get You Into My Life
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
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