Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
You’re unbeleafable.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
You are the square to my root.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
I think my heart just lagged.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
It's ice to meet you.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
Go to BabaMail
