I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?

Winter is here, weather you like it or not.

What country has the most birds?
Turkey.

"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.

“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.

How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees

Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.

Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.

Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.

[Drink] That’s a thirst down!

Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"

How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.

What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.

One should always practice what they peach.

What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!

My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."

What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”

I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!

That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?

A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.

"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."

How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.

Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....

"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West

A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.

My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.

She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck

What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome

“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”

- Dana Snow.

Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?

My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.

How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.

What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.