What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
Witch you were here.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Drink happy thoughts.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
I “lub” you.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
I’m very frond of you.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
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