The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.

What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.

What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.

“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”

- Ewan McGregor.

You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.

Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.

If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook

"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown

When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.

Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.

Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.

What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."

- Swami Satchidananda

3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!

What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!

"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."

- Marilyn Monroe

How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.

Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.

Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”

I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"

“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.

I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.

Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!

Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true

How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.

The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.

Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?

People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.

Can I also deposit my number into your phone?

Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?

Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.

I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!

How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.

I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.

What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.

What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.