“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Skiing is believing!
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
You can stand under my umbrella.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Rudder valve reversals
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
My moment in the sun.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Go to BabaMail
