Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
In on the ground flora.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
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