"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
I dreamt about you. You died.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
We were mermaid for each other.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
"Just one hot chick."
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
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