What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
You can stand under my umbrella.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Ah! The element of surprise.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
I've been thinking of U periodically.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
I’m soy into you.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Go to BabaMail
