Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
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